


My R

by Greybin (TyunnieBFF)



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Bullying, Character Death, Choi Soobin-Centric, Depressed Choi Soobin, Gen, Hurt Choi Soobin, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Abuse, My R - Freeform, References to Depression, Sad, Songfic, Suicidal Choi Soobin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, cursing, like they were just mentioned lol, minor soogyu, shit is sad haha, so gyu kinda the only REAL person here other than Soobs, the other members arent real btw, they're just Soobin imagining himself trying to jump but he stops them, tragic, until he couldn't anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27590777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TyunnieBFF/pseuds/Greybin
Summary: This is a Soobin-centric highly depressive and triggering songfic based on the song My RThis is your author venting and therefore like I'm saying again, very triggering shit here, read the tags and please don't come at me because this is a fanfiction and no way at all reflect the actual reality of the idols in this fic"Just as I was about to take my shoesOff of the rooftop there I seeA boy with blue hair there before meDespite myself I go and scream""Hey! Don't do it, please"
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin, Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin & Everyone, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin & Kang Taehyun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	My R

It is kinda early, the skies are still dark, not to mention it is also really cold and I can't help but hug myself with a shiver as puffs of white escapes my lips. 

Climbing up the stairs to the top of the roof, I can't tell if the trembling from my footsteps are from the cold or the way my heart is hammering against my ribcage. A throbbing pain only I can feel. What led me here, to what I'm planning to do, doesn't matter.

Nothing does, which is why I'm here....

The door opens to the deserted view of an empty school roof, the wind blows quite hard and my hair got slightly disheveled by it. 

_ (This is it...I-) _

And just as I was about to take my shoes off, something catches my eye. In one spot a little further away from where I stand, a boy with blue dyed hair is leaning on the ledge, back against me with his shoes abandoned somewhere.

I see, someone got here first.... 

_ (Oh god, why….why are you here) _

And maybe it was that humane side of me that I didn’t know existed that makes an automatic reflex to scream, how hypocrite of me but I did it anyway. The strange tug of worry shouldn't be there but it was and my feet decided to move on its own. 

Breathlessly my own voice rips through the silence for his attention just as he was about to jump.

"Hey! Don't do it, please!"

Whoa, wait a minute what did I just say? I couldn't care less either way since it passed my lips, out in the open now, no point taking it back. To be honest I was somewhat pissed; why did he have to come? I want to throttle him myself with my balled fists but refrain from doing so. 

How frustrating, this was an opportunity missed!

_ (Thank god I wasn’t too late) _

Frowning at him though I'm not sure he gets that I'm mad, the boy looks sad. That blue colored hair really stood out, the guy looks like he's struggling with himself and if I hadn't known any better, those red eyes...he had been crying hadn't he?

Huh...dejavu 

"Why?" I demand rather than asking, now that I'm right in front of him, seeing that he’s not going to respond I grab him to face me, geez he looks awful with those swollen red eyes and the dried lips obviously from dehydration. 

I try not to think of how he flinched when I did so. Blueberry head here refuses to meet my eyes, only looking down with that face of sadness that I’m too familiar with, more than I'd liked to, honestly I feel sorry for him. 

Okay, since he's not going to be telling me his name, I'd just call him....Yeonjun? Alright, he'll be Yeonjun. 

"Why? If you're going to throw yourself off at least tell me why?" I guess in my own anger and dare I say it, concern, it did perk my curiosity. Why is a guy like him up here? What reason that could have possibly led him here? Yeonjun sighs, clearly contemplating on what he should do or say to me.

To my surprise, well kind of? Maybe I didn't expect him to open up so easily, he seemed...secretive. 

The boy with blue hair tells me of his woes, his sad sob story and how he got here now, on a rooftop two steps away from ending his life. "You've probably heard it all before;

I really thought that he may be the one....but I was just delusional" 

_ 'And if I punch the fuck out of him....' _

_ (I’m sorry to hear that, I get you) _

A new kind of fury boils within me at his explanation, in my fit of fury I yank both of his shoulders and stares him down with a deathly glare. You gotta be fucking kidding me? How dumb is this guy? 

"For God's sake please! Are you serious? I just can't believe for that stupid reason you got here before me?! Over a guy not liking you back?! The hell is wrong with you?!" I all but lash out at him, pissed is gone, I'm just plain furious now.

My tense muscles are shaking so bad, the tight grip I got on Yeonjun might actually be hurting him. His eyes staring bewilderedly into mine, why? He didn't think I wouldn't give him a piece of my mind? Well surprise idiot, he thought wrong!

"Are you upset 'cause you can't have what you wanted? You're lucky that you've never gotten robbed of anything!" there's mild venom in my voice, a threat of tears spiking in my eyes. He doesn't understand, Yeonjun only got himself rejected.

_ (You remind me of myself) _

I watched Beomgyu skip off with someone else, all because I wasn't enough for him. Even the edges of that girl's smirk still haunts me, making sure I know damn well she easily took what is mine. Yerin stole Beomgyu from me, and it never hurt any less although it's been weeks.

But can I even blame her or Beomgyu for leaving? This pathetic me.... no wonder he left...

I let him go and watched him let out a bated breath. Oddly enough, Yeonjun looks less startled, as if he saw my memories through my eyes alone. Not that it matters, who are we anyway, just two strangers.

_ (He knows...he can tell….) _

"That shouldn't be your reason, that's a dumb and stupid reason to throw away your life" I spat, I'm probably doing it the wrong way, maybe I'm making shit worse and he'll still jump. I do fuck up a lot don't I?

The hypocrisy in my words is so ridiculous I feel like even the gusting wind is laughing at my pity self.

After a while of nothing but silence, Yeonjun sighs and strains a small grin, jumping back to his feet he faces me apologetically "I'm feeling better thank you for listening!" He mutters with squeaks and walks past me, back to the door and down the stairs, the boy with blue dyed then disappears.

The bell rang, I sighed to myself before paddling back down to my class.

_ (That was close….) _

"Alright, today's the day" or so I thought, it's great that it hadn't rained the next morning. I repeat the same routine of coming early and whatnot, but today, just as I take both of my shoes off. The sight of someone sitting on the ledge catches my eyes at once, there's but a boy tall as can be. 

In my state of shock, my voice screams out once more the words ringing about the rooftop with my own self half-meant what was said. His lanky figure startled by the new sound and turns to face me. 

_ (Oh my god no you’re too young...) _

"HEY!! Don't do it...please!"

Soobin soobin, why are you such a no good nosy bitch. The young face catches me off guard, damn this boy looks twelve. His arms hugging himself tight but even from a distance I can see the tremble in his limbs.

I make my way over to him slowly so as to not spook him, the kid is quite literally dangling his legs over nothing and something about that young face, the face that should be full of joy and innocence but only looking at me almost fearfully. 

Well he should be, cause if he doesn't get his ass off that ledge in 5 seconds then I will, and I'm not nice, never nice.

_ (I won’t allow it, you have so much to live for) _

"Don't do it" I call out again, the desperation that tangles in my voice must be fake right? I don't sound like that, I don't care-Why should I care? The boy, his hands shaking as he grips onto the rail.

Oh I am about to yank him down-oh

He hoists himself down, a bit of stumble in his steps probably due to his obvious anxiety of being caught. I am so sure he's a junior but what the fuck-

_ (Why? Why you? You shouldn’t….) _

He's as tall as me and even with his head bowed down, gaze glued to the floor, I can still see the way his face is twisting to keep whatever that's left of his will to not break down then and there. 

"Why? You're so young....so much more to live for...why?" The hypocrisy really jumped out with that one, another highscore on the pathetic board for Choi Soobin. The tall boy doesn't speak, only resumes to be really quiet.

Which again, fucking pisses me off cause nah I wanted to be here first but your stupid ass beat me to it. 

"There's no reasons for me to be here"

_ (No, there is….please no) _

A whisper, timid and small compared to Hueningkai's tall frame, yes we will be calling him by that name now cause Mr Tall here isn't providing one. I raise an eyebrow at the start, prompting him to go on.

Hueningkai shudders and turns away, "You've...... probably.....heard it all before.....

Everyone here........they ignore me.....everyone.....they don't want me here.....I don't fit in with anyone here..... I'm better off-"

"For God's sake please! Are you for real right now? That is your reason?! That dumb stupid reason is why you got here before me?!?" I don't even care if I hurt his feelings, why the fuck?! The shock and-yeah that's definitely horror on his face, kid didn't think I was gonna burst out cursing him out?

The fuck do these people think I'm gonna do? 

_ (Its selfish but I won’t let you) _

My mind is so blurred with fury and it must've shown on my face because Hueningkai looks very visibly scared, temper is such a hard bitch to control. But then again, there's not much that I can control.

I take a few steps back and a deep breath, "Don't be ridiculous...stupid...so what if you're ignored? What if nobody in this goddamn school likes you?" The echoing insults and taunts from my peers rings in my ears, their hurtful words hunting my thoughts.

_ "Go and do us all a favor and die Soobinnie" _

Hueningkai strangely still stuck around, I was sure he'd be gone by now but the tall boy is still there observing Soobin now almost curiously, "...cause...cause even so, you're still loved by everyone at home, you still got your parents unlike some of us..." 

_ ("LOOK HERE YOU BITCH, I DON'T FUCKING CARE-" I hate the screamings at the table every night "NO I WILL LEAVE THIS FUCKING HOUSE ASSHOLE, YOU LISTEN RIGHT HERE-" I hate it how sometimes, they're so wrapped up in their world, they forgot I exist. _

_ When's the last time I had dinner at home...?) _

Shaking away those memories, of course I just exposed myself to Hueningkai. All just with my face and these stupid tears, "You know...there's always dinner waiting at the table every night....." I sniff and wipe away my tears, still wearing my glare on my face.

"I'm hungry" said the tall boy as he shed a tear as well, a small knowing smile on his lips as he walked away and towards the exit. Just like that, leaving my pathetic self on the rooftop alone.

_ (A close call….) _

_

I think fate plays too much, no way, there’s simply no way there is someone here every goddamn day. And yet here we are, I lost count of how many people I’ve confronted on a daily basis now. I listen to their sob sob tales of woes, give them a piece of mind which is usually just me cursing them out on their bullshit. 

Friends left you? Good riddance to them, get over it. Mom and dad are gonna divorce, pick a side it's not hard seemingly it makes no difference since both of them are useless asshats. You’re bullied? They told you to go and die? They’re the boss of you? No? Then why the fuck are you taking shit from them.

Idiots, every single of them.

_ (I can’t keep this up forever….I...Im getting too tired...) _

I only grow more and more frustrated each day dealing with the fools who don’t have any actual business being here, I was harsh and I’m going to be mean regardless of anything since these idiots keep ruining my plans like I have nothing better to do than to curse each and one of them out. 

It made them turn away, so really I’m doing them a favour more than anything.

How are they always faster than me? But obviously if I were here first, no one can stop me from jumping. They can pour out their hearts and be done with it, but my pain unlike theirs is a constant. These idiots better be glad I was here, so what if there was no one who would do this for me.

Not that it matters, there’s no way I could let out all this pain.

_ (I can’t-) _

But for the very first time, I saw something…..familiar. 

Someone is standing there again today, how long has it been? I lost count on day 4, I've been doing it too many times to keep count. The boy stands there, dead emotionless eyes boring into mine. The way he looks, the expression he wears mirrors my own. At a glance, I see the white bandages peeking out of his yellow cardigan, I can feel a weird twisted feeling in my gut, it feels like looking at my own self.

I make my way over with caution although I’m pretty sure nothing would spook him. He’s standing on the other side of the rail, the only thing keeping him from leaning forward and falling is the one final hand on the rail.

Okay another ‘me’, I’ll call him Taehyun. 

I was about to say something but Taehyun beat me to it, "I just wanna stop the scars that grow every time that I go home, that's why I came up here instead" that's what the boy in the cardigan said he mutters, and I want to say something, anything. I want to curse his idiotic ass out and tell him to come down. I want to tell him how much an idiot he is for slicing his skin open for the fun of it.

But i can’t find my voice to do so

_ (I want to save you...please please don’t-) _

“Wait!”

Whoa, wait a minute what did I just say? Gosh Soobin control your fucking mouth, but in the rush of my beating heart, in the moment I just screamed out something that I don’t believe myself.

"Hey! Don't do it, please!"

But he didn’t move

“IDIOT DON’T FUCKING DO IT DAMMIT!”

I clench my fist in frustration, feeling cold wet droplets trailing down my face as I drop to my knees, why won’t he leave? Everyone else did, why is Taehyun still there? His face remains unfazed, only a blank stare. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.

_ (Im trying….please...no) _

“Fine!! Whatever!! Like hell I care! Go fucking die if you want to so badly!!” I muster up a glare at him, daring him to let go.

_ (Please don’t, don’t let go) _

"I guess today is just not my day" I can hear Taehyun’s low mumble. He maneuver himself back to safety and walks away from me, disappearing into the staircase, leaving me alone to recollect myself.

_

It’s early in the morning , the skies a beautiful navy blue though still dark, it is still really cold and I hug myself with a shiver as puffs of white escapes my lips, the edges of my fingers digging into my side, snuggling deeper into the yellow cardigan I wore everyday. 

Climbing up the stairs to the top of the roof once again, I still can't tell if the trembling from my footsteps are from the cold or the way my heart is hammering against my ribcage. A throbbing pain that still haunts me, tipping dangerously like it is about to burst. It's becoming unbearable.

What led me here, to what I’m going to do, doesn't matter.

Nothing does, never did, which is why I'm here....and I’ll end things quickly once and for all.

The door opens to the familiar deserted view of an empty school roof, welcoming its regular visitor. The gusting wind is blowing quite hard and my dyed blue hair is slightly disheveled by it. 

There's no one here today, I guess it's time

It's just me, myself and I

There's no one who can interfere

No one to get in my way here

Not anymore

Taking off my yellow cardigan, I let it fall to the side thinking of how I was so close to jumping but my last means of strength held me on. I remembered it being the last shred of endurance in me, fading, having lost all its strength from getting me to not jump every day.

Climbing over the ledge, I hold myself steady while trying to ease myself before reaching my happy ending, I’m really tall and lanky so it takes a bit of an effort. My heart drums as I feel my blue hair flows with the breeze, remembering how I would’ve jumped but I didn’t because a voice told me not to.

I smiled, my body leaning forward. It’ll all end soon….just a little more.

No more getting my heart broken after practically giving it away on a silver platter, leaving a hole in my chest. No more sneers and jeers from people around me, tired of being told my existence is a mistake. No more hearing yelling at home and going to bed hungry because I’m forgotten again or needing to carve barcodes on my skin because the pain is my drug to a temporary bliss. 

Closing my eyes as gravity pulling me down, I whisper one last breath, a final singsong to myself. Maybe to mock how I tried to stop myself from committing suicide for so long….only to lead to the moment right now.

“This lanky boy tall as can be, is gonna jump now and be free”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twt  
> Or drop in my CC !!


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